Took me more than two months to be able to put this in writing. I was pretty much sure how this post will do to me. Just that I have to do it anyway. As a bridge to the real world after months I felt disconnected. That I was literally disconnected.
The truth is I felt all my energy being sucked. Leaving me with nothing except memories and I am searching to the core to find the strength that used to lies in me. After that morning, as hard as I tried to be strong, it was the revelation of your true self, strength and spirit. I didn’t realise what is coming until it really happened. I was preparing myself and the thought that I should be able to handle it lingered in my mind each day seeing her health condition going down the hill. But the moment it happened and after everyone gone home, left only the empty home with everything reflected.
The past few months I woke up like usual with some anxiety feeling like, “is it today?” That was the new usual for me. Made me telling her everytime I am leaving home, “wait til’ I come back”. I know she understand what I meant by that.
That Tuesday morning, I woke up to see her breathing heavily. Woke hubs & everyone in the house quickly to tell them mom’s condition. I was right there facing her, watching every seconds of it to happen slowly and so peacefully. Until her last breath at past 6 in the morning of 19th March 2013.
My mom, fought the breast cancer stage four for two odd years. She went through 11 times of chemotherapy including one last oral chemo. That was when she finally throw up for the very first time due to the aggressive treatment. She went through 2 times radiotherapy and gave up cause of the pain. For over 20 years, she was never being diagnosed with cancer but when it finally came, it was the final stage with the massive tumor that only God knows the pain. In some situations I was clueless, until at one point I decided to seek for a counselling that I most needed. Just because I was not sure how to deal with her emotions.
Being so close and loving her like never before, thought me so much. Let alone I started to see life in a different perspective. It is indeed a long discovery process, I am still processing. It is tough, never easy but one thing for sure is I have to move on. Mom was indeed really strong & independent women that I ever know. Whom hardly to show her emotions but when she really did, you know that must be the tough one for her. For what she went through all her life, she is the most beautiful queen of my heart.
She left us after 2 weeks of my solo photography exhibition started and when it has not even end yet. I had 2 extreme things happened in my life at one time and I must say left me with feeling nothing but empty.
I hope this post reached to as much people as possible, who was around me and my family, who keep on praying for us regardless of their religion are, who didn’t give up on me for my volatile emotions going through the hard times. You know who you are and my huge gratitude for all the good things & good people around me and my family. May her strength and good heart to keep growing in me and everyone who know her and to inspire me for whatever the good things to come. InShaAllah.
I miss her so much everyday. Al-Fatihah.